Port Harcourt born author, Bura-Bari Nwilo is known for the simplicity and wittiness of his writing. In his usual manner of penning down interesting pieces using 'current affairs', The author of Diary of a Stupid Boyfriend drew his sister's attention to relevant issues now that she's stepped up in her modelling career.
By the way, his Facebook wall is always a delight to visit.
LETTER TO MY OGONI SISTER ON BEING CROWNED MISS NIGERIA 2015
It is with absolute goodwill and sheer concern for my own kith and kin that I have decided to write to you today. I mean well, even if my language may not be clear-cut and sexy as you are. Ah. I see your image in my head. In short, since yesterday, I have been dreaming about you; how you walk and the victory smile which rented your face when you were announced winner. *inserts smile and dies.
I hope you find time to read this letter and write back to me. *inserts a wink
You know, life has changed since last night when you won that prestigious crown as Miss Nigeria, 2015. Hmm. Some bad belle people have been comparing MBGN to Miss Nigeria. But don’t mind them. That’s all they are good at, analyzing. Ah. Life is sweet oh. I am sure you will be making shakara anyhow now. You’ll be like: mbok, I rep Cross River oh but I am Ogoni to the bone. Ah. To the bone, chai, that line is sweet, whalai.
You will drive around in that your new SUV and then travel to everywhere with that your plenty millions. Ah. In my next world ehn, I will come as a beautiful woman with fine legs, great height and envious nose. I think I will try and be intelligent too.
I know it doesn’t mean much, but just in case it is required, I will do my best to acquire a cute accent. Sister, please come closer let me share something about accent with you. See ehn, just go into any bank in Nigeria and use those thick dark glasses and cover your eyes and speak anything that would make you sound like a bird and there, everyone would respect you. They would say: “Hey. See that one oh. She is one of those people who have gone to oyinbo land and have returned with light skin and yeye accent. But don’t mind them. What would kill them is already in their faces. Accent is sweet oh.
I watched as you just knack book and dribble people like a proud Ogoni girl. Ah. You are fine, Leesi. Yes oh. That is what I will call you. You see that Pamela something? Me, I don’t buy it at all. You are a sweet Ogoni woman and your native name is what I’d hold on to.
Before I forget, please this is the reason I decided to write you this letter. It’s about boys; some yeye boys wey dey the Nigerian music industry only to give beauty queens belle. I am writing you to be careful of wolfs with microphone and cheap six packs that I can buy anywhere in Ariaria market.
You see, these boys just sit in front of their televisions during pageantry. They are not even concerned enough to buy tickets and watch you people appear in pants and high hilled shoes oh. No. They want to stay there and watch the winner then they would tell their yeye publicist to look for the winner’s phone number and call them that they want to wish them happy winning.
There are two famous people you have to avoid by all means if you want us, your kinsmen to remain behind you. One is yellow with dada and mumu six packs. Hmm. My sister, I know that you have been in Nigeria. In short, one bird whispered to me that you are in service, serving Nigeria, battling mosquitoes and bad toilet and bathroom wey dey camp but this guy bad well well. Him bad pass everything bad. The day that our former MBGN was in Yenagoa shaking like fowl that had cold, trying to answer simple questions about wetin she go do when she win, this man was looking at yansh in South Africa in the name of shooting a music video. When the fine yellow girl come win, him no waste time. He dropped his magical rod inside the small innocent hole and chai, sister, a pikin was deposited. That is so wrong.
You must stay away from him. Any show he organises in this world must be avoided. If you did not know that he was in the show and you eventual found him there, abeg, tell the organisers that shit is hungering you, that you have to leave. You can go to Bodo too and recruit 15 local boys to guard you. I don’t want to hear stories.
There is another man who has announced to the world that he is now a repentant married man. Ah. Hot lie. Please, stay away from him too. Don’t buy his album. The image on that album has made someone pregnant before. I know the girl. She is still looking for a way to take care of the baby. This man has many faces although he has agreed that there are only two. Ah. He is bad. He is slim, and tall. You know what slim men carry between their legs shey? Avoid him. He can bring your holy land to disrepute in two minutes. He can enlarge the narrowest pathway by a single visit. When you see him on TV, please sprinkle the blood of Jesus and bind and cast any appearance that may come in the dream.
You have to be at alert. Put a small Gideon bible under your pillow before you sleep and if time permits, scream “chisos, chisos, chisos” seven times. Find a bottle of olive oil and drink it too.
It has also come to my notice that some ladies love other ladies. Ah. Don’t do what will make Bari have sleepless night. If any woman opens her breasts for you, cower and help them cover it. They are end time children. Don’t play that with them.
Sister Leesi, it is our pleasure that Chisos has chosen you to wipe our tears off our eyes. You remember the many oil spillages in your village, it has been Bari who has shielded you from drinking poisonous water so you would live and make him proud. Biko, make him proud.
Embrace all things that would add value to human life. In all you do, stay humble and motivated. Yours would be a beautifully eventful journey and do well to send me a Facebook request too.